My Belt. What a Dickbag!

I was having a loose jeans day on Friday. I was at work and I had to pull my belt to the fourth hole and I thought to myself, Those 4 lunch salads are already paying off!  I’ve probably lost 5 pounds through salads alone! Yay for me!

Cut to Saturday. I’m getting dressed to meet my family for lunch. It’s summer, but I’m putting on jeans because I have amazingly white legs and I haven’t shaved them so jeans are safer. For everyone.

I go to do my belt up and I seem to be able to pull it even further than on Friday. Could this be? Could I finally be losing weight magically with no effort like I always wanted?!

Nope.

I’m still as chubs as I ever was and my belt decided to prove that to me in a decidedly dickbaggish fashion.

Observe!

I had broken my belt. It was literally hanging on by an effing thread. Okay, two threads, but that’s not much better! What a kick in the vag!

Also, I spent the whole weekend packing, because we’re moving soon, and I didn’t get out to buy a new belt so today is going to consist of me walking around holding my pants up manually. Unless I can find some string, or I tape them to myself somehow.

Balls.

Bright Light

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Bright Light! Alien Invasion? Inconsiderate Neighbours?

3/4 Asleep Me: Who is shining a bloody great big stupid light through the window when I’m trying to sleep!?

1/2 Asleep Me: That’s the sun, dumb ass. It’s still light out. We go to bed before the sun goes down. If you listen carefully you can hear children playing outside.

3/4 Asleep Me: Dammit.

1/2 Asleep Me: Just put a stuffed animal over your eyes and go back to sleep.

3/4 Asleep Me: Stupid daylight.

The Quiet

I’ve been doing really well lately.

I changed meds in December and after clawing my way out of that shit storm things have been pretty good.

I’m on a lower dose of the new meds, but if I supplement that with regular exercise I find that it does the trick. If I could just keep up the “regular” part of the exercise thing I’d be golden. 🙂

The problem with depression though is that it never goes away. It waits in the shadows. It’s always there, lurking. Waiting for the chance to get its claws into you again. It’s insidious.

In the quiet times I can sense it.

I’ll be at work and having just completed a successful social interaction with a co-worker I’ll sit back down at my desk, smiling and feeling good. At that moment when my smile starts to fade back into my every day face I’ll hear it.

Demon: I’m still here you know.

Me: I know.

Demon: I’ll find a way back in. When you’re weak.

Me: I know.

I do know. And it’s sad and it’s terrifying. And it’s okay.

I’m writing this from a position of happiness and strength where I can see that darkness and I know that it’s coming but I also know that I’ll get through it.

Next time I’m in the darkness and the demon has me I might need someone to remind me of this. Sometimes when you’re in the grip of depression you have a hard time remembering what it’s like on the other side. So I might need someone to read me this and gently say that it will get better. Because it will.

If you’re in the dark place right now I’m here to tell you that it will get better. You’re important. You’re loved. You’re worth the fight. Don’t give up.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you then the internet is your best friend. There are so many of us on here that have found a place to belong, to feel understood, to speak out about the total assholeyness of depression and to not feel alone. We’re out here! Find us!

The most important thing I have learned from Jenny Lawson is that depression lies. Remember that.

Depression lies and I call bullshit!

Depression Lies

Fun with Brains

I woke up over the weekend and thought, “I should Google ‘body falling asleep before the brain’.”

I had a good reason. I swear it happens to me!

I was lying in bed the night before and my brain was churning away and then I heard a sound.

Brain: Is that us snoring?

Body: *deep breathing*

Brain: Shit, am I asleep? I don’t feel like I’m asleep. How can I be thinking this if I’m asleep?

Body: She’s onto us! Wake up!

Brain: That was effed up.

I swear to you, my body was trying to go to sleep before my brain was even ready! Can that happen?

I Googled and found stuff about sleep paralysis, but I don’t know if that’s it. AND people who have sleep paralysis report feeling like they’re choking or that there’s an evil presence in the room with them or aliens! So, I’m pretty sure I don’t want that.

There’s also something called Hypnagogia which is the transition from being awake to being asleep. If your mind remains aware while this is happening … somehow … science … then you might notice that you can’t move or speak.

My experience wasn’t that creepy. I didn’t feel demony or paralyzed. Just a bit offended that my body was so bored with me that it drifted off to sleep.

It’s happened to me before. I normally notice my breathing has changed and then once I notice, it goes back to awake breathing.

I think if I play this right I could be on my way to having out-of-body experiences and I think that could totally kick ass!

Mutant Dandelions Are Among Us!

I found this in my backyard yesterday.

It’s some sort of crazy, mutant Dandelion. Look at it!

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It’s got a frikkin’ giant trunk thing! With at least 5 heads!

This can’t be right.

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If I cut one off will it regrow 2 more? Like some sort of crazy Dandelion Hydra?

Hydralion?!

Dear God! This is the beginning of the end. Or at least “Little Shop of Horrors 2016”.

Hydralion says, “Feed me, Jenny!”

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What are Abby’s thoughts on all this insanity in the backyard?
“Duuuuuuuuude! Relax, bro!”

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She is no help at all!

We’re doomed.