Control Enthusiast

I like to think that my enthusiasm for control is a result of my anxiety.

Unknown things make me anxious so I try hard to control the things I know.

It can get a bit annoying sometimes; for myself and those in my life.

For example, I know that Eric won’t forget that the cats are outside in the backyard and I know he won’t forget to call them in when it’s time.  However, because I’m a control enthusiast I can’t leave it at that.

I can’t let it be because there’s something in my brain that says, “What if he forgets and they’re out there all night and they run away and get hit by cars!?”

This madness results in texts like this:

k1

AND because Eric is a Saint his reply was simply:

k2

 

He totally gets me.

 

While we’re on the subject of Eric being a Saint, I should mention that he also has to put up with texts like this:

k3

AND because Eric truly is a Saint his reply was:

k4

That is true love, people!

 

Mental Illness is My Jam

I have a delightful rotating background on my desktop here at work.

There are two warring images that I see from time to time and I feel I need to write about them. So there.

The first is this:

Happiness2

Am I? Do I? On a really good day! 😀

I like this because on a really good day I feel as though it’s actually true.

If I’m just tired or bored and I start to grump out I can remember this and think of the good stuff and attempt to be happy.

Or at least … attempt the attempt?

Does that count?

Positive attitude and all that rot!

 

The second is this:

JLaw

I love her. Full on girl crush. ❤

When I saw this one I had to save it so I could see it and remember.

I have read Jenny Lawson’s “Furiously Happy” so I know I read it there, but this time it had a picture! 🙂 And I probably needed to see it and absorb it into my silly brain.

I then did what any 21st Century human would do and I posted it on Facebook with the comment, “YES!!”

Later on someone said to me that only people with depression would understand it and I sort of mumbled that yes, that’s probably true even though part of me was saying, NO! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!

My brain held on to this and I started thinking about it more and more and feeling like it isn’t right but not really knowing why.

So here I am, 3 months later, blogging about it because that’s how I talk to the world and I need to get this out of my brain.

This is what I think.  It is definitely possible that only people with a mental illness would understand the sentiment in the picture above. BUT I think that if we shared this stuff with the world then maybe more people would understand how to understand. If that makes sense.

I am teetering on the brink of screaming to the whole world something along the lines of, “Yes, I am broken! I have a mental illness! Sometimes I can’t get out of bed and sometimes even showering takes a massive effort of will. Other days I feel totally fine! I’m tired of pretending and if you don’t understand you can suck it!”

It’s still scary because people will judge. But I think there are other people who will try to learn and understand and help.

That’s why I shared that picture. It’s a tiny “eff you” to those who would judge and a tiny “let’s talk” to those who want to understand.

Imagine if we talked about this stuff freely. If everyone knew that some people felt this way and it wasn’t their fault and they can’t just cheer up.

Imagine if we helped the world to understand where we are coming from and that when we withdraw from the world it’s not because we’re being rude or we’re angry, but because the world has become too much for us at that moment and we need a break.

Imagine feeling like you don’t ever have to pretend!

You can call in sick and say that you’re having a hard time with your depression right now and you need a few days and your work would be okay with that.

Imagine all these people that we educated could recognize the signs in their friends and loved ones and give them the help they need. Even if that help is simply letting them watch Supernatural in bed and bringing them Doritos.

Imagine not feeling oddly uncomfortable and that you need to say something when a Bell commercial for talking about mental illness comes on the TV. hehe I did say something. Everyone in the room already knew that mental illness is my jam so it really wasn’t a big deal, even though I feel like sometimes not everyone knows if it’s safe to comment. It is!

This is all part of why I started blogging in the first place. I want a place to write about whatever I fancy, but I also want to stop hiding and pretending.

This is me.

Suck it!

Total Me-ness

As odd as this may sound, I was inspired to finally start doing this by a Drag Show.

I had been thinking about it, but putting it off, for quite awhile and then last Saturday I went out for a Bachelorette party and there I found the inspiration I needed.

It was a club. There was loud music and sweaty people and lots of booze (but not for me) and then at 12:30 they pushed everyone off the dance floor and started the show!

It was a small show. 3 Drag Queens came out and lip-synced to different songs and did little dances in their outrageous outfits. I stood there watching and realized that I was grinning from ear to ear.

These men were all decked out and dancing around with bits of their wigs flying off into the crowd and they looked so happy! They were in a place where not only could they be themselves, that deepest part of themselves that is most vulnerable, but people actually cheered them for it! How great is that?!

I don’t think I have ever had such a moment of total me-ness. Possibly because I don’t know what or who that is.

The sad part is that so many people would judge these guys for doing what they do. As someone searching for their moment of me-ness, I applaud them.

I hope I find my inner Drag Queen!