I’ve been doing really well lately.
I changed meds in December and after clawing my way out of that shit storm things have been pretty good.
I’m on a lower dose of the new meds, but if I supplement that with regular exercise I find that it does the trick. If I could just keep up the “regular” part of the exercise thing I’d be golden. 🙂
The problem with depression though is that it never goes away. It waits in the shadows. It’s always there, lurking. Waiting for the chance to get its claws into you again. It’s insidious.
In the quiet times I can sense it.
I’ll be at work and having just completed a successful social interaction with a co-worker I’ll sit back down at my desk, smiling and feeling good. At that moment when my smile starts to fade back into my every day face I’ll hear it.
Demon: I’m still here you know.
Me: I know.
Demon: I’ll find a way back in. When you’re weak.
Me: I know.
I do know. And it’s sad and it’s terrifying. And it’s okay.
I’m writing this from a position of happiness and strength where I can see that darkness and I know that it’s coming but I also know that I’ll get through it.
Next time I’m in the darkness and the demon has me I might need someone to remind me of this. Sometimes when you’re in the grip of depression you have a hard time remembering what it’s like on the other side. So I might need someone to read me this and gently say that it will get better. Because it will.
If you’re in the dark place right now I’m here to tell you that it will get better. You’re important. You’re loved. You’re worth the fight. Don’t give up.
If you feel alone and like no one understands you then the internet is your best friend. There are so many of us on here that have found a place to belong, to feel understood, to speak out about the total assholeyness of depression and to not feel alone. We’re out here! Find us!
The most important thing I have learned from Jenny Lawson is that depression lies. Remember that.
Depression lies and I call bullshit!