I have a delightful rotating background on my desktop here at work.
There are two warring images that I see from time to time and I feel I need to write about them. So there.
The first is this:
I like this because on a really good day I feel as though it’s actually true.
If I’m just tired or bored and I start to grump out I can remember this and think of the good stuff and attempt to be happy.
Or at least … attempt the attempt?
Does that count?
Positive attitude and all that rot!
The second is this:
When I saw this one I had to save it so I could see it and remember.
I have read Jenny Lawson’s “Furiously Happy” so I know I read it there, but this time it had a picture! 🙂 And I probably needed to see it and absorb it into my silly brain.
I then did what any 21st Century human would do and I posted it on Facebook with the comment, “YES!!”
Later on someone said to me that only people with depression would understand it and I sort of mumbled that yes, that’s probably true even though part of me was saying, NO! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!
My brain held on to this and I started thinking about it more and more and feeling like it isn’t right but not really knowing why.
So here I am, 3 months later, blogging about it because that’s how I talk to the world and I need to get this out of my brain.
This is what I think. It is definitely possible that only people with a mental illness would understand the sentiment in the picture above. BUT I think that if we shared this stuff with the world then maybe more people would understand how to understand. If that makes sense.
I am teetering on the brink of screaming to the whole world something along the lines of, “Yes, I am broken! I have a mental illness! Sometimes I can’t get out of bed and sometimes even showering takes a massive effort of will. Other days I feel totally fine! I’m tired of pretending and if you don’t understand you can suck it!”
It’s still scary because people will judge. But I think there are other people who will try to learn and understand and help.
That’s why I shared that picture. It’s a tiny “eff you” to those who would judge and a tiny “let’s talk” to those who want to understand.
Imagine if we talked about this stuff freely. If everyone knew that some people felt this way and it wasn’t their fault and they can’t just cheer up.
Imagine if we helped the world to understand where we are coming from and that when we withdraw from the world it’s not because we’re being rude or we’re angry, but because the world has become too much for us at that moment and we need a break.
Imagine feeling like you don’t ever have to pretend!
You can call in sick and say that you’re having a hard time with your depression right now and you need a few days and your work would be okay with that.
Imagine all these people that we educated could recognize the signs in their friends and loved ones and give them the help they need. Even if that help is simply letting them watch Supernatural in bed and bringing them Doritos.
Imagine not feeling oddly uncomfortable and that you need to say something when a Bell commercial for talking about mental illness comes on the TV. hehe I did say something. Everyone in the room already knew that mental illness is my jam so it really wasn’t a big deal, even though I feel like sometimes not everyone knows if it’s safe to comment. It is!
This is all part of why I started blogging in the first place. I want a place to write about whatever I fancy, but I also want to stop hiding and pretending.
This is me.