I had intended my first post about depression to be a well-crafted, elegant and inspiring essay on my struggles with the bastard. I recently read Jenny Lawson’s books – Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) and Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things. You must read these if you struggle with any type of mental illness or know someone who does. Or even if you don’t. Just read them.
I read them both on vacation and I felt liberated and inspired and I thought, “I should blog about stuff like this! If I can help even one person then it’s totally worth it!”
I have written and rewritten this phantom post numerous times in my head. Not prepared to write anything down until it was perfect. Or, if I’m honest with myself, too scared to start writing because it’s terrifying to say some things out loud and to risk having people you know (or slightly know, or work with, or met once, or might meet) see your weakness. Because that’s how it feels as I sit here today and write this.
Today I am losing.
A lot of days I win and I go on with life. I go to work, I exercise, I shower!
This week I was sneak attacked. Just a small one, but enough to keep me home from work and to fill my head with bad thoughts about people and things I love. I hate that. It’s like there’s a demon in my head telling me lies about life and stopping me from seeing how beautiful it is and how wonderful some people are.
I made it to work today, but that’s because my fear of disappointing people gave me the strength to get out of bed and go. Inspiring, I know.
I’m sitting here with a pain in my right side that I’ve had on and off since May. Ultrasounds, CT Scans, Colonoscopy … all normal. I did my own research and found something I think could be the cause and my Doctor agrees. Sadly, there’s not much we can do about it.
Eating better might help with the pain. So yesterday I had pizza. Now I’m in pain and I hate myself for being weak and not being able to do simple things that come so easy to other people. And the depression whispers to me the whole time that I’ll never make the changes I want. My health will never improve. Everything will be a struggle. Might as well just go back to bed and ignore the world.
One thing Jenny Lawson wrote that stuck with me is that depression lies. I had never looked at it that way before. It always felt like depression was a window into my darkest self and laid all that shit bare for me to see and be hopeless about. But no, it lies! It’s true! She’s right and it lies and reading that made me so happy because I felt like I had a new tool to fight this asshole thing that tries to ruin me on a regular basis.
I’m trying to remember that today. I will get through it. I should go home and exercise. Don’t let it win!
I feel better for writing this. Maybe if I talk about it, it takes away some of its power. Eff you, depression demon!
Maybe by the end of today I will win.